Honest to Dios
by Utena
Summary: Dios offers one wish that has to be split between three people: Utena, Anthy and Akio. This should be fun.
1. Default Chapter

Honest to Dios

Honest to Dios

Chapter 1: Lil' Drinkies

__

Author's Note: Um, if you can't already tell, this is going to be a pretty stupid-silly parody. Anyway, enjoy!

"I am Akio, the power hungry freak," Akio said to himself as he admired his evil-looking image in the mirror. He smiled. Nothing happened. "KUSO! Why can't I ever sparkle like the other bishounen!" He broke down and began to cry. Then, as quickly as he began, he stopped. "Ahem, I must maintain my dignity as a villain. I'm still disappointed though." He walked out of his office and bumped into Kozue.

"Heeelllloo!" Kozue leered. Akio ignored her. "What's his problem!" Kozue pouted. No man had ever ignored her leerings before.

"Onii-sama, where are you going? It's Saturday night, remember?" Anthy said to her brother.

"Forget our meeting. I can't sparkle. I'm going to go get sloshed. Ta ta!" Akio said as he passed.

"So unlike my onii-sama!!" Anthy thought and went to report this to Utena.

"Your brother canceled your meeting?" Utena asked Anthy.

"Hai." Anthy said, looking very worried. "And not only that, he said he was going to get 'shloshed' or something."

"You mean sloshed, dimwit," Utena snapped, wanting to hit Anthy. "That means get drunk."

"Oh."

"So. What do want to do about it?" Utena asked suddenly.

"Um, can't you do something. He seems to like you…"

"He's your brother! I'm not getting involved."

"Please, Utena-sama!" Anthy begged. "He doesn't seem to be his evil self lately." Anthy didn't add that Utena didn't seem to be like her kind self lately either. Utena didn't add that Anthy didn't seem like her undemanding self lately either.

"FiiiiiiNNNE!" Utena whined. "Though I don't really care, ya know!"

"Eeee!" Anthy squealed with delight. Utena looked almost about to smack her again.

They found Akio (very drunk) sitting at a bar and singing.

"Nooooo body knows the trouble I've seeeeeeen! Noooooo body knooooowws my sorrrrrrrrrroooowwwwwssss!!!" 

"Oh brother!" Utena complained. Akio saw them approaching. "Hi therrrr! You twos wan' a lil' drinkie-poo. Heth?"

"Onii-sama, you are not yourself!" Anthy said in shock.

"Hmmmm?" Akio asked.

Then he suddenly broke into evil laughter. "Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!" Utena and Anthy were very relieved that he didn't get up and dance around like Mrs. Ichinose. _Very_ glad.

Utena was not moved by his sad spectacle. So she challenged him to a drinking contest. "Bottoms up!" 

They, uh, got very "shloshed" and the consequences that followed were very un-good.

"Oh, yeah. You should've sheen Anshi one time. Heh heh!" Utena joked. Anthy blushed.

"Please, Utena-sama. Don't tell him _that_." Anthy pleaded.

"I'm gonna tellsh him that. Now don'ts yous bugsh me." Utena slurred. Anthy looked meekly away.

"Heh heh. Anyway, Himemiyash and I were in a reshtrant and she got on top of the table and shaid: 'look at me! I'm doing my vacky table dance!' It vash great. You shoulda sheen it, old boy!" Akio laughed in uncomprehension and responded only with a faint "glub blub" in his beer mug.

"Zhat's vhat I thoughtsh." Utena said.

Then, in there drunkdom, the group was transported to the castle above the arena, where they met Dios.

"You are all disgracing this parody." Dios told them.

"Shorry," Anthy hiccuped. She had had one too many lil' drinkies.

"What will it take to make you happy?" Dios asked.

"Happysh?" Utena asked, holding her eyes open so that she could still see.

"This is a one time offer for each of your most desired wishes." Dios said.

"Ooooooooo!" Akio said licking his lips. Utena backed away in fear. "Don'tsh let _him_ wish!" she begged Dios.

"Don't fear. It is only one wish that I offer, that all of you three must agree on. When you've decided, call out my name and it will be granted." Dios and the castle dissappeared and the trio were back in the bar.

"A wish?" Utena mused.

"Wishy wishy wishy!" Akio cried in a sing-song voice.

Utena eyed him nervously.

"I would wish not to have _any_ older brother." (Anthy)

"Hey!" (Akio)

"Humph!" Utena spat. "I would wish for your brother." Akio looked at her with longing eyes. "NOT YOU!" Utena said swiftly. Akio continued to look at her and she reached over and shut his eyes. However, he seemed to be a little more sober, so he opened them again.


	2. Chapter 2: This Means War

Honest to Dios

Chapter 2: This Means War

"HELP!" Utena screamed. Akio was strangling her for no apparent reason.

"Onii-sama," Anthy said. "What are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious!?" Akio shouted. "I'm strangling her for no apparent reason!"

"Oh," Anthy said and sat down again. She didn't even bother to help Utena.

"HI-ME-MI-YA-!-!-!" Utena screamed in broken sounds. "HELP!" she gasped.

"Huh?" Anthy said cluelessly. 

Suddenly Chu-chu came up to the three drunkards.

"Chu chu chuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" he screamed in the ultimate rage.

"Chu-chu says that we have to be sensible and all agree on the same wish!" Anthy told them.

"Okay!" Utena said. "I want Akio to disappear!"  
Akio responded by choking her more violently.

"Onii-sama, you must stop that!"

"Why, I'm enjoying it." Akio answered.

"Because if you kill Utena-sama, we won't be able to get the wish at all."

Akio stopped. "I want that wish. I want power. And if either of you disagrees with me, I will kill you!!!"

"No!" Utena said.

"What!? You defy me?!!" Akio raged.

"Yes!" Utena said.

"Arggghhh! You will bend your will to me!"

Utena stuck her tongue out at him. "You don't scare me, Mr. Chairman. You're just like all of those movie stars that sleep their way to the top!"

"You're the same!" Akio spat.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"  
"Are too!"

"CCCCCCCCHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!" Chu-chu chastised them. They stopped bickering but still were glaring at each other.

"I challenge you and Anthy to a battle of wits and violence!" Akio declared.

"But that's not fair!" Anthy cried.

"Oh stop whining!" Akio said.

"No, Anthy's right. It isn't fair. It's us two against only one of you. You'll lose too fast and it won't be as fun as seeing you suffer." Utena commented.

Akio was about to snap back that he didn't intend to lose at all, but Utena went on.

"Therefore, Chu-chu will be your partner."

"No!" Anthy cried.

"Chu?" Chu-chu wondered aloud.

"It's okay Chu-chu. Go on with Akio and don't worry about Anthy and I." Utena prompted Chu-chu to move and he scurried over to Akio a looked up at him. "Chu chuu!" he declared and gave Akio a thumbs-up sign.

"Ha!" Akio laughed at Utena and Anthy. "He says he and I are going to win! Nyah! Nyah!"

Utena muttered beneath her breath, "and you believe what a little monkey says? This will be easier than I thought!" 

"What are you muttering!?" Akio demanded.

"I was saying that you are a loser and we'll beat you no matter what! Right Anthy?" Utena looked at Anthy who was glancing worriedly at Chu-chu.

"Utena-sama, Chu-chu is very determined. I'm afraid of what he might do to win. He has a highly competitive spirit and it sometimes causes him to block out his emotions."

"What are you saying Himemiya?"

"Yes," Akio smirked, "what are you saying? Are you saying you're afraid of some little monkey? Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Akio pointed and laughed at them.

"Grrrrr…" Utena growled and clenched her fist. "No one makes fun of me!"

"He! He he he he he he!" Akio giggled loudly. 

"ARGHHHH!" Utena screamed. "Do you know what this means, Mr. Chairman?"

"W-hhhhaaaahaht-t-t!" Akio said, his sides shaking with laughter.

Utena grabbed Anthy's hand and jabbed it into Akio's laughing face. "This means war!" She declared.

Akio stared at them. His expression was unreadable. Then he coughed. Then a smile broke out. Then he was laughing again, hysterically. 

"Is there any way to shut him up?" Utena asked Himemiya. 

Anthy's eyes narrowed. "I know a few." She said diabolically. 

"Oh ho! Himemiya!" Utena said in surprise and pleasure. "Let's see what you got!"

"Hai," Anthy said and turned back to Akio.

To be continued in Chapter 3: Mercy! Mercy!


	3. Chapter 3: Mercy, Mercy!

Honest to Dios

Chapter 3: Mercy, Mercy!

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR!"

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"EEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKK!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAATTTTTTSSSSSSUUUUUUPPPPPPLLLLLL!!!"

The horrible screams resonated throughout the halls of Ohtori Academy.

"I really have no idea why girls scream at me when I walk by them," Akio commented nonchalantly to Chu-chu as they walked to his office in order to prepare for the fight with Anthy and Utena. "After all, though I am a bishounen, I don't sparkle at all!" Akio grimaced at this fact. "It's just not fair!"

Chu-chu made no comment. (He didn't really care.)

Akio had an epiphany. "I know! After I show those upstart wenches who is boss, I'll make my wish and I will wish to become the most sparkling bishounen of all time! I will become the most adored character with my blinding brilliance! Yes! I will wish for that!"

"CHHUUUUUU!!!!" Chu-chu chastised his partner in war.

"Ah….ahhhh…Of course! I'll wish for bananas too! Um…_Lots_ of bananas!!!!"

"Chu," said Chu-chu, satisfied.

Inside the Chairman's office, Chu-chu and Akio sipped random iced-drinks and sat opposite each other. Akio set his drink down for a moment.

"Now, my friend, to business!!! You must tell me this devious plan of yours that will lead us to glorious victory, as well as to our dreams!!"

"Chu."

**********

"Oi, Himemiya. I'm not so sure about this…" Utena trailed off as she gazed into the mirror at the outfit Anthy assured her would be Akio's undoing. And maybe Chu-chu's as well.

"Don't worry, Utena-sama," Anthy said smiling creepily. "It will work out fine. Onii-sama will never be able to concentrate on fighting us when he sees you!"

"Hmmmm…." Utena grumbled, unsure if she would be able to either.

"And everything else is going great! But are you sure we can't use those nuclear warheads I found?" Anthy asked.

"Um, no," Utena said, casting a worried glance at Himemiya before turning back to her reflection. "Ne, Himemiya," Utena said, "can I just ask you something?"

"Hai?"

"Why a reindeer?"

"Isn't everyone afraid of reindeer?" Anthy blinked.

"Uhhhh…Not…that I am aware of…" was Utena's reply.

Utena shook her head. "Well, never mind. I guess it doesn't really matter so long as it works, right."

Anthy smiled again. "Hai."

Utena grinned devilishly. "Now hand me some of those roman candles!"

Anthy smiled again, and she looked super-freakytm. "Here you go Utena-sama."

"Gwa hee hee!" Utena laughed. "At last we'll reveal ourselves to the Jedi! At last we will have revenge!"

"Uhhh," Anthy stated.

"Oops! Wrong line!" Utena gasped. "Oh, well." She began to rig the dynamite to their master contraption. 

"Tee hee," Anthy giggled. "This will be fun! Tee heee heeee heee!"

"Oi," Utena rolled her eyes.

***********

"Well! Are you BLEEPING ready to face US!!" Akio shouted at his opponents.

"What was that bleep?" Utena asked. 

Akio sighed. "I was swearing but I couldn't think of anything better to say, so I said BLEEP because it made it seem as if I said something too horrible for this parody." Akio said as if he was explaining it to a small child.

"Don't condescend to me you BLEEPING BLEEEEEP!" Utena bleeped back.

"Oooo! I'm scared! Nyaaahh nyaahhh!" Akio cried, dancing around and sticking out his tongue.

"Enough of this childishness!" Anthy said, surprising everyone. Battle-lust was in her eyes. "Let's begin!"

She took out their device the "Super-weapon-o-get-Akio/onii-sama-and–that-traitor-Chu-chu-too" and aimed it at Chu-chu and Akio.

"Eeek!" Akio shrank back. "I'm impressed, but our plan is better!" Chu-chu pulled a curtain back, revealing a room full of giggling girls in skimpy outfits. They were sipping random iced drinks and eating bananas.

"Join us or die! And you know you want to join us!"

"That's your ingenious plan!?" Utena laughed.

"No," Akio motioned to Chu-chu. "This is." Chu-chu sweated as he rolled forward two very deadly looking missiles. 

"Hey!" Anthy protested. "You stole those nuclear warheads from me!"  
Akio shrugged. "Oops," he yawned. "Now! Surrender!"  
"Never! Utena-sama, quickly, the SECRET WEAPON!"  
Utena fidgeted and looked and the ground. "Himemiya, no."

"Utena-sama!?"

"It's…embarrassing."

"But, Utena-sama. At this rate, our torture device won't beat them! Not while they have my missiles!"  
"Ha…hai," Utena sighed and quickly donned her reindeer outfit, complete with a large red nose.

"Ma…mamamama…ma…sa…ka*…" Akio stammered. Then, to Utena's surprise he began to wail. "Waaaaaahhhhh!"

"Nani!? He's crying!? Naze?" 

Anthy smiled. "It's simple. Tell her why onii-sama."

"I hate Santa-Claus! I hate Christmas. And I'm…I'm afraid of reindeer!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Soo…" Utena sweatdropped. 

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! NOW WE WILL KILL YOU!" Anthy cried.

She reached for the activation button on their "Super-weapon-o-get-Akio/onii-sama-and-that-traitor-Chu-chu-too" device, but then a booming voice stopped her.

"YAAAAAAMMMMMMEEEETTTTTTEEEEE!" cried the voice.

"Huh," Anthy breathed. "Dios!"

"Uh-oh," Akio whined.

*ma sa ka means 'impossible' here.

Naze means 'why'

Yamete means 'stop' (For those who don't know)

Don't miss the touching conclusion to Honest to Dios in Chapter 4: The Wishy


	4. Chapter 4: The Wishy

Honest to Dios

Chapter 4: The Wishy

"Zounds! It's Dios!" Utena exclaimed. Dios came toward the two teams. 

"Yes," said Dios impressively, "It is I-ITAI!" suddenly Dios tripped and face-planted into the ground.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!" laughed Akio heartily. He pointed at Dios and laughed again. The others began to laugh as well. 

Dios got up and brushed himself off. "Don't laugh at me!" he begged them. Then he got angry. "You were always teasing me, Akio! When I was locked up in the castle. Always mocking, mocking, mocking!!!" He ran at Akio and began to claw at him, snarling rabidly and drooling like a mad yak. (Author's note: Um, I was really tired while writing this. And I couldn't stop laughing at that last sentence. Oh, well. It's supposed to be a stupid fic, so if anyone complains, they were warned, the idiots.)

"Whoa!" was all Akio could say. And indeed, what else could be said?

"Stop onii-sama! Don't kill onii-sama!" Anthy begged.

"Huh?" That stopped everyone in their tracks. Of course, Utena was only filing her nails at the moment, (they're so dang long, she has to up keep them a lot), but oh well.

Dios straightened his jacket. "Ahem," he cleared his throat. "Yes, well. I came to stop you all from destroying each other and to command you all to decide on a wish. So then. You may decide now."

Utena, Anthy and Akio exchanged helpless looks. 

"Don't you know what you want?" Dios screamed.

"I want him dead-"

"I want a harem-"

"I want to be an actress-"

"Chu-"

Dios sweatdropped and sunk to the ground.

"Why me?" he asked in a small voice. "I try to be a good god, I try till my hair hurts. Waaah!"

"Uh," Utena said. And indeed, what else could be said.

"Group huddle." Akio suggested. 

The three, with an intruding Chu-chu, huddled and began to debate about their wish. Akio had a hard time being so near to Utena, who was still in her reindeer costume. He accidentally brushed against her and screamed.

"Kyaaaaa!"

Utena rolled her eyes. "Stop screaming kyaa kyaa like a girl, would ya?" 

"I'm afraid of reindeer, so KYAA KYAA KYAA!" Akio screamed (like an girl).

"Oi, oi, oi!" Utena sighed.

"So what should we wish for?" Anthy asked.

"Chu!" Chu-chu declared.

"What did he say," Utena asked.

Akio translated. "He said we should wish for his favourite things which are apple, and cookie and banana and sweet potatoe."

Utena was incredulous. "He said all that in just one little 'chu'?"

"Well…I don't know." Akio shrugged.

"But he actually did." Anthy told Utena.

"Okay, FINE!" Utena turned away murmuring, "Logic…no logic…"

Dios sat far from the group. He impatiently waited for them to tell him their wish.

Finally, he could no longer stand the suspense! 

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!!" Dios screamed at them.

Silence.

"Eh?" Dios wondered. He walked up to them. "Hellloooo...DAH!" They were all asleep. "KISAMAAAAAA!!*" he shouted.

"Na..ni.." Akio grumbled.

Chu-chu had a snot bubble going.

Utena was lying face down on the ground.

Anthy was giggling in her sleep.

"AAAAAGGGGGGGAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPLLLLLL!!!!!!" Dios spat in frustration.

"Aaa!" Utena cried in surprise and was instantly standing in attention right away.

The others also slowly awoke.

"HOW could you SLEEP! I told YOU to make YOUR WISSSHH!" Dios fumed

"Ah, right," Utena said.

"We were tired. All this preparing for battle made me sweepy," said Akio, still sucking his thumb.

"Oh! Oh! Sumimasen! Was I sleeping, was I?" Anthy seemed panicked. Utena and the others just looked at her from the corner of their eyes. 

"If you don't decide in two seconds, I will decide for you!!" Dios commanded.

**********

"UTENA-SAMA!!!" Anthy cried. "We'll be late! We were supposed to visit my onii-sama, remember?"

"Oh, hai!" Utena said and they rushed off to Akio's office. As they made their way around campus, Dios and Chu-chu watched them. 

"Yes, I think we did our job well. They seem much happier and back to normal. All thanks to their wish." Dios said.

"Chu." 

"Thanks for your help, little friend."

_Chu-itashimashite*_

"And now it seems that they have forgotten everything, just as they wished. Well, it was a traumatizing experience, what with Utena in a reindeer costume and Akio depressed and all. Owari*."

Utena and Anthy zoomed up in the elevator. When the doors opened, Utena called out to Akio. "Akio-san! We're here!" 

"Thank you for coming to join us, ladies. Always room for more!" Utena and Anthy observed the planetarium, which was full of beautiful and scantily clad women.

"Na……ni?" Utena said in a strained voice. And indeed, what else could be-

"My harem, of course." Akio sparkled. "It's part of what we wished for, remember!?"  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!"

OWARI

*Kisama-disrespectful form of 'you'

Chu-itashimashite- Chu-chu's thought form of douitashimashite, which means 'don't mention it'

Owari-means 'the end'

Author's Note: So this is finally the end of Honest to Dios! Finally I got around to finishing it after almost a year! Oi. And if this story offended you in any way, hey! You read it! It's yer own darn fault! Truly, you were warned for stupidity. Just look at the beginning of the first chapter and you'll see. (I say all this because the most thing I get complaints about when it comes to my fics is their stupidity. At least the funny ones I mean.) Thanks for reading. Now please review! Even if you just want to tell me it was stupid, which I already know. Oi.


End file.
